6 years later.

We used to be crazy about each other. 6 years later, we're still the same. But this time we're older. You're nineteen, I'm seventeen. You're my brothers best friend. You started texting me and talking to me on facebook more often. There was a bit of flirting going on. When I saw you for the first time in 6 years, I was nervous. I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I didn't want to look at you to make it obvious. Then you text me from across the table while we were all playing kings and drinking. You said I looked beautiful sitting opposite you. I was wearing my jeans, hoodie and i was a mess from traveling all day. The night continued, and we became more drunk. I went outside to get some fresh air, you came out and sat next to me on the swing chair. We were talking and laughing. Next minute, you went in for a kiss. It was the most romantic first kiss I had ever had. You looked at me and smiled, then walked back inside. I sat for a while thinking. I had a smile on my face. The next day you text me and then I asked you what that kiss meant. Your reply was that you will tell me tonight. So I waited for the night to come around. When we went out, I saw you. First thing I did was went up to you and asked you. You said it wasn't a drunken mistake. It was because you actually like me. You kissed my forehead and walked away. Later on I asked why you kept walking away after these kind of things. You said because you didn't want to fall for my smile and my eyes. This time, I walked away. I sat outside again on my own. But I made sure you didn't know I went. I thought to my self for so long. My heart was beating fast, my smile on my face was so big, I wanted to text you. I realized I like you too. I got confused of what to do. You're going to Spain for a month. You told me at the bar that when you come back you want to be with me. That would of been great. But now, you have a girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend. You're breaking up with your girlfriend for me, but I can't do that. I'm sorry. Maybe one day, it will work out for us. And maybe, just maybe, everyone will understand.

why?

So, tell me why you decided to talk to me again? Nothing has changed with you, you're still the same. I know what's in it for me if I stay to talk to you. I'm not that stupid to fall for it again.

You're all shit.

You came to mine for a little holiday. As soon as you got here, all you did was be a bitch. When you went home you bitched to your boyfriend and my cousin about me. You thought I had never drunk alcohol before I came to England. Haha, dumb bitch, have you not seen my pictures on facebook? You went back and told them that I was drinking every night, all night. That I was smoking a lot. That I was having sex with anyone, anywhere. That people were doing cocaine on the streets. That people were killing themselves a lot. Hunny, you drank more than me when you were here. I drank one night, you drank two nights. I don't smoke. I've only had sex with one person. And he's not just "anyone" he's my boyfriend. And we didn't have sex just anywhere. We had sex in a bed, on a couch and the floor. Not outside on the road like you said. Otherwise don't you think we would of been seen, or run over or some shit? People aren't doing cocaine in the streets. They were just simply hanging around. And if people kill themselves, that's their choice. It's not me killing myself. So shut the fuck up and stop saying shit. Because now my mum isn't even talking to me. Because of you. I hope you feel better now that you were center of attention.

I'm lost.

There's so many things I want to do to get my feelings out. Go for a walk while listening to my iPod, sit on my bed with my guitar and sing a song, draw and fill up the whole note pad, lay in bed with the covers over my head and cry, go see my boyfriend and just feel safe wrapped in his arms. But there's nothing I can do to actually make myself feel better.

I'll never understand.

My head is messed up. I couldn't possibly try to imagine yours.

fuckfuckfuck.

I did the worst thing I could ever do. I hurt you and I hurt me. I'm glad we could sort it out. but baby, I think you should come home now and be with me again. I don't like being this far from you. I really like you. And you keep me so fucking happy.