Here or not?

It's hard to live with you, it's hard to live without you. It's hard to talk to you, it's hard to ignore you. I feel like we're not together, even though we are. I tell myself I can see you next weekend, what if I can't? What if I have to stay home again? There's Thursday, but it won't be for too long. I can't stand this. We're not supposed to wait this long to see each other. It's tearing us apart and making us argue. When we come out, we will be better and stronger, I promise.

I'm worse.

Me and my mum fight 24/7 to the point where she cancels my plans last second. I say things I don't remember and then have to make excuses up to cover them. I have secrets inside me that kills me to think about. My past isn't the best to tell. I have too many mistakes to move forward because I fuck up over and over again. I have a fucked family that I get stuck in the middle of. I'm two faced about my best friend, but only for a good reason. I care about my boyfriend than my own self. I starve myself, not to be skinny and pretty, but to put me through pain because I am no longer strong enough to scar my wrists. I don't have enough money to buy my own things. I lie. I lie. I lie. I lie. I don't make things up, but I lie. I cover the truth. I cry myself to sleep. I wear make up to cover my tears. I listen to my iPod to run away from the world. I trust no one, only my Teddy.

I love my teddy.

I have a teddy. He loves to hear what I have to say, what I have to get out of me. He's good at listening. I tell him the good and bad. The only reason I keep a diary is so that he can read it. He loves when I write stories to him. He sits next to me quietly, while I hug him and smiles. He's the best friend I need.

:/

I only wear make up when I'm upset so you can't see behind it. It's like a mask. You can't see me cry when I have it on. But is this true?

I think I should go.

I don't have a social life. Only at school. But then again, I can hardly even say I have a life there either. I'm stuck at home doing this and that for you. Looking after my brother. We're too far away to go anywhere and I can't get a car or my licence. Everyone goes out and does stuff, buys new clothes, goes out for lunch and dinner with each other. I can't even get to a friends house for one night. And no one can come here because it's too far and too boring. I want a life. I want to be a teenager and explore all the stuff they do.

Give to take.

You say I do nothing around the house and ask for too much. I spent these holidays cleaning the house for you. I made it the best it had been in a while. All I asked for was a ride to my boyfriends house, but I get a no. We had planned I stayed there for two nights, maybe more. But you want me home all next week. And maybe even tomorrow night, which means I can't even stay tomorrow night?! You piss me off so god damn fucking much that I wish I had another mum. Another family. Because this one is no longer working for me.

To mum.

Thank you.