Friday, December 31, 2010

Get away.


I'm pretty keen to delete my facebook and start all over again. I don't need 1,150 friends that I never talk to. Seeing two past lives on there that I've had, really gets to me and puts me in tears. My old friends from England, said they would keep in touch, never heard from them again until they heard I was coming back. But since I've been back, I haven't heard from them and haven't seen them. My friends from New Zealand, they're too busy in their own lives for me any more. And I can't trust any of them any ways. Even if I wanted too. Do you know what I really want? To go away to my favorite place, in Italy, delete my facebook and start all over again. So my old lives are behind me. And no one can find me.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I'm scared.

So in two weeks, I leave this country, again, to go live with my dad. It's what I've wanted for years and years. I was going to move to his instead of New Zealand, but I was scared to leave my mum. But now I'm back, I've grown up and I'm independent. I'm acting strong and invincible. But really, I'm still scared, a hell of a lot scared! I know it will be the greatest thing I've done for a while, but what if I make stupid mistakes? What if I don't like it there? What if I look like the stupid odd one out? I know I shouldn't be thinking this but I am. All I want to do, is go back to my home in New Zealand and not leave my mum ever again. Even if I have to start over with everything over there. At least I will be home.

It's time.

You've forgotten me. I need to do the same.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

People like you don't get far.

You are the most selfish, ignorant, mother fucking cunt bitch mother fucker I have ever met. And why did I EVER, become friends with you. I'm glad our friendship is over, way over. And don't try to get me to forgive you, one more time. Otherwise I will come back, just to rip your head off. :) so we understand now? yes? okay, good, go get hit by a truck.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

You.

You have the cutest smile. :) Just thought you should know. ;)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Pweeeeease?


I want to find a cute guy. One who will let me be myself and still like me for it. Someone who isn't scared of a bit of fun. Someone who gives great hugs and kisses. One who will care for me like none of the other fuckers did.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

This is awful.

Being sick sucks. All because of the snow. But it's beautiful stuff and wonderful to play in. No cold is going to stop me! hahah.

CHOOOOSE!

You've always wanted me to be happy. Now I am, I say a big FUCK YOU! because I finally am and you can't except it. :D

Fuck this sheeeet.

Be happy for once. btw, follow me on tumblr, I seem to be more happy on there than I am on here. This is more my depressing place. haha.
So new life plan.

- Spend some time with Dad.
- Forget about those who don't matter.
- Visit Italy.
- Move to Miami.
- Eventually go back to New Zealand.
- Live a long happy life, with no worries.

I think that all sound perfect.

Please and thank you.


Fuck all of ya'll. I'm happier on my own without anyone. :D so stay away yeah? I mean everyone. TA!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Sacrifice myself.

You mail me, everyone mails me. All about me and you. What's going to happen when I get back, what's happening now and all that stuff. Look, I love you a fuck load. I always have and anyone can second that. It's just hard at the moment. We're the complete opposite side of the world from each other. And you're playing us both, again. We know you are. So why are you asking for me back? Is it because she's said no and you need someone to run too? Is it because you don't like being lonely? I don't know what your reason is but I can't help but talk to you. All because I love you. I hate that I can't stop talking to you. And if you find another girl you will just leave, delete me and I will be hurt, again. But look how much hurt I've already taken from you, I guess a little bit more can't do anything? :/
You are an absolutely fucking cunt. And I never call people that. So you must be pretty fucking special. In your eyes you are to yourself, but to me you're some kind of different special. you fuck me off to the max! You will never ever replace him. I love him and I hardly even like you anymore. I told you this is just all fun and games, nothing serious. But obviously that means something else to you. and if you "fall" for me, I will make sure it's by me tripping you up! There is no way in hell you are moving away with me, so get that thought out of your head. Stop talking bullshit. Open your eyes and fucking realize!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fuck.

I've done a lot of damage here already. To one person. I need to leave and go back home. This time, I'm not calling it running away.

I'm sorry.

You were right to break up with me. I'm sorry. I can't keep you happy how you want me too. You know you're not the only person on my mind all the time. You know my heart is still with someone else, but you still try make it work with me. I don't deserve you, really, I don't. I don't know why I'm still here. But I guess I'm good at running away from too many things that I have to stay and watch the pain being injected to my veins. I'm too scared. I have trust issue's from the last two guys I've been with, so don't take it personally. I'mm too scared. You say you're falling for me. We've known each other for not even a month yet and you're saying that. I don't even want to fall in love again. It involves trust. And that's just something I can't do. I have to learn to trust someone. I just can't walk up to someone, kiss them, say I trust them and love them. That's not how it works! I'm sorry but you're moving too fast for me. I do like you, you're a lovely guy. I just can't handle this anymore.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Once in a life time.


From the first moment I met you, I never once thought that we would become a couple. I never thought I would call you mine, kiss you and hug you until we became weak. But I got you and we had this. In those 9 months I never thought that I would be without you again. Now I sit here and watch you from the other side of the world while you're with another girl. A girl I used to call a friend. You had to wait until I got out of the country and you were back with her. You say it's my fault for letting you go? Fucking hell, did you know how much pain you caused me? Lying to me and arguing with me every fucking day. I got told rumors about you and I chose to believe you. But then, then she came along again. Asked you to help her paint her shed, asked you to hang out. She said it was so you don't go off and fuck another girl. But really, that girl was her. You were texting her, getting closer and closer by the day. She stayed at your house. I couldn't handle it any more so I had to let you go. Yes, I started talking to another guy but nothing was going to happen. Until I saw you and her were in a relationship now. So I deleted you. Blocked you from my life and moved on. Yes, me and him are together now and he's a wonderful guy & I like him. But doesn't mean I don't love you any more and the pain has gone away.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I’m not sure I like you.


I know I’m texting you like I like you. But I’m only doing it to get over Nick. We both know if we get together it will be the perfect come back on Nick and your ex. But it only works if I want to get with you too. You’re supposed to be staying at mine in the holidays but I’m already trying to think of excuses for you not too. Please just give me some time. You seem to clingy already and we’re not even together in any way.

That’s what a good friend is.


We were arguing at the bonfire. I didn’t want to be near you. But some blonde girl found me and asked what was wrong, she went and got you for me and we sorted everything out. I thanked her before we left. Not expecting to see her again. Last weekend I saw her while getting my nails done. She told me that seeing us together made her feel good because she got us together again. I told her what you did and she was shocked. She knew the person who you fucked and you know what? I’m going out with her when I get back from the snow. She’s going to show me your new girl and help me find a new guy to get with. I don’t care how slutty I sound, because I need something to help me get over you. I’m not sticking around and get hurt any longer. Me and her are going to have fun and she’s helping me get over you. Funny thing is, you can’t do anything to stop me anymore because I’m not yours.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Another great weekend gone to waste.


I eventually forgot about you cheating on me. I mean, I still knew it happened, but I had stopped thinking about it. We had three great weekends in a row after that. You said we were getting back on track and nothing could stop us. The weekend just gone, we went shopping together and went to the thanks sale. I brought you a lower jersey to go with your repz top I had brought you. I brought you dinner and lunch. You came with me to get my nails done. I ate sushi for the first time with you. But the day I left, you fucked up everything again. You got a new girl that night and fucked her right there and then when you could. It’s disgusting. You go around and use your dick like it’s the number one thing in Tauranga. Not everyone is going to want you if you keep fucking anyone. You don’t know these girls. I thought you would of learnt from last time. You got an sti but still go around? You’ve got problems, and one day, karma is going to get you good.

This is simply beautiful.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

9th of September.


It's supposed to be the best day when I'm supposed to be happy all day. Evey year since you've been around I've done nothing but cry because you chose what we do, where we go, what happens. But I'm seventeen now. Can you just fuck off. You may be able to rule everyone else's birthday, but not mine. For fucks sake. You have no idea how much you piss me off. I wish it was just me and mum. I wish it always has been me and mum. I want nothing to do with you because you ruin everything.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Karma is a bitch.

This reminds me of you.


(Roll, roll the credits)
Boy in the beginning
The beginning it was me and you
I was Bonnie you were Clyde
And we were running
We were running for the minute we knew
(Roll, roll the credits)
But then in the middle
In the middle you went and changed the script
Took a pencil and erased my happy ending
Instead of loving you I feel so sick
(Roll, roll the credits)
I know you directed it
I'm sure I produced a bit
So why's that chick stealing my show?

Baby tell me, who is she?
I need to know her name and number
Tell me, who does she hang out with when you're not together?
I ain't gonna do nothing crazy
I just need you to hear me
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits
And tell me how many of your friends you told all about it
They said your working last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them too?
Or was I just a fool?
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits
Yeah yeah

You worked undercover
Gave her every single line I owned
And it doesn't make me feel any better
That you took her places we would go
(Roll, roll the credits)
I thought you were meant for me
My name should be on that screen
Tell me, why's that chick playing my role?

Baby tell me, who is she?
I need to know her name and number
Tell me, who does she hang out with when you're not together?

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/roll-the-credits-lyrics-paula-deanda.html ]

I ain't gonna do nothing crazy
I just need you to hear me
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits
And tell me how many of your friends you told all about it?
They said your working last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them too?
Or was I just a fool?
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits

I know you directed it
I'm sure I produced a bit
I thought you were meant for me
My name should be on that screen
We weren't even at the end
But you started auditioning
And let somebody star in my show

(Baby)
Tell me, who is she?
I need to know her name and number (I need to know)
Tell me, who does she hang out with (tell me)
When you're not together? (who does she)
I ain't gonna do nothing crazy (aint gonna do nothing so crazy)
I just need you to hear me (I just need you, I just need you to hear me baby)
(Roll, roll the credits)
And tell me how many of your friends you told (tell me)
All about it? (who did you tell)
They said your working last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them too? (all of them too)
Or was I just a fool? (oh a fool)
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits
Roll the credits
Roll the credits
(Roll, roll the credits)
Roll the credits
Roll the credits
(Roll, roll the credits)

I should of learnt from the first time.


I saw this coming but I put it at the back of my head and ignored it. I didn't expect it to happen now. I had no idea you were texting her. I had no idea you were wagging school. I had no idea you invited her over. I had no idea about anything at all. I cried and cried to get it all of my system. I thought it would work. But as soon as I saw you, I felt like crying. I didn't want to touch you, kiss you or look at you. It was really hard. As we both lay in my room crying, I wanted to hug you but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The next night you got a bit drunk and got angry. The situation came up and you took it out on me. I'm not taking the blame for your actions, for you braking your promises. I hit you really hard in the head, back, arms and legs. I elbowed your jaw really hard. I cried and screamed. I shouldn't of done it. I didn't want to hurt you, it's the last thing I wanted. You saw what I did to myself. And I broke my hand again. Look what you did to us. I hope this works out and I'm not wasting my time.

Friday, September 3, 2010

This hurts.


You did the lowest thing you could do and broke my heart completely. I can't forgive you for it or trust you again. I don't think this weekend is going to be the same as the last. I think this will be the last weekend together? Tbh, I'm actually scared.

Liar, cheater, liar.


You promised me things. You said the sweetest things to me. I loved coming to yours and sleeping in your bed. Only to find out you promised her too. You said the same sweet things to her too. She was in your bed Monday and yesterday. I can't touch you again. I can't be in your bed. I'm going to miss your hugs and kisses. But the image of her on you is still in my mind. You lied about everything. You changed it all around so I felt bad for things. But how you going to get out of this one? You had sex with her. I should of listened to everyone before it got this far.

Where are you?


I was there for you every time you needed me and you were here for me. You ran to me crying when your boyfriend cheated on you. Now the same has happened to me, you're not here? I can't run to crying. I can't even say hi to you any more. I miss you and our friendship. I would do anything to get it back again. But I don't think you would, would you?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Once again.


I'm going to find a guy I can be happy with one day.

It's who I am.


I'm failing at my relationship with you, I know. But what else can I do. I know this week has been fucked up. But I've had work from 8am until 8pm. I can't text you much and then you go to bed. When I get home, I'm tired, hungry and dirty. I have something to eat, chill and have a shower. Things happened between us to make me think different. But I can't trust you at all anymore. Not one bit. I'm fucked up. Yeh. But so are a lot of things.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010

her or me?


You asked your ex for sex. You two planned to do it the next day. I have been told by a multiple number of people. I think once is enough for me. Because it gets the picture in my head of you and her back together. While you say you love me, you plan to have with her. You really need to choose your pick. Because I'm not sticking around if I keep hearing this, I absolutely hate it. I even remind your friends of her. That's not something I want to hear. That I'm just like her. But I'll tell you now, I'm not one to ruin a relationship. Unlike her.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Accept it.

You mean everything.


I'm sick of the arguing. I'm sick of your mum. I'm sick of the one words. I'm sick of you chatting up other girls. I'm sick of you being boring. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of us falling. I don't think I could take you back again anymore. But I love you and you mean everything to me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

I want this.


I want a guy who will love me for who I am and not what he wants me to be. I want a guy to be happy in our relationship and try not get me to do everything. I want a guy who will make happy times and not arguments because he's bored. I want a guy who will go out of his way and do things for me which doesn't include money instead of saying it and not doing it. I want a guy who will be happy without having sex and not pressure me into and force me to do it. I want a guy like Bruno Mars. He is adorable. Unlike my real life boyfriend.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Fuck this.


Wtf. You complain about not seeing me for two weeks and then it comes to a time when you can see me and you get me excited to see you. You just break it all down. I really thought you were coming. I knew it would be too good to be true. I guess I have to take this as the end? Fully over? My nightmare has come.

Hurry hurry.


You are staying tonight so we can sort everything out. I can't wait until you get here. I can't wait to feel your hugs and kisses again. I miss you!

You gave up.


You did it. You rung me an set up a fight. We broke up. You got me so fucking angry. You told me not to talk to ever again, because if I did you would want me back. I should of learnt from the last guy who said "I love you." That when you say "we will great friends. Best friends." when we break up, it's all shit. You stop talking to me. It's fucking bullshit. It's guys like you that makes me like I am today. So fucking insecure about myself. Thank you, really.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The truth, right now.


One day: I'm not allowed out of this house. I'm trapped. I feel forced. I feel sick. I'm not hungry. I miss my boyfriend. I'm not allowed my phone. I'm not allowed my laptop. I'm not sleeping. I'm drifted from my mum. Next day: I'm allowed out this weekend. I'm still trapped. I'm not hungry. I miss my boyfriend. I'm allowed my phone. I'm allowed my laptop. I'm not sleeping. I'm closer with my mum. Day after: I'm not allowed out. I'm not allowed my phone. Not allowed my laptop. Not friends with my mum.. MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP. One day: I get depression. I get too skinny. I get no sleep. Mum comes home to a daughter hanging from the ceiling.

Boss?


You tell me what to do. You say anything you like to me. You can abuse me. You can abuse my family. You can treat my mum like shit. You can do anything you like. You can shout when you feel like it. I can't say anything I like to you. I can't hit you. I can do what I like. I would never abuse people I love. I can't shout. If I do any of these, I get in shit from YOU?! News flash hunny, you aren't my dad. Neither are you BOSS!

Could these be any more true?


Mum; my way of explaining to you.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The words I need.


The perfect words to explain everything!

We should be.


We should be out there doing stuff together, smiling, laughing, kissing and making memories. Instead we are torn apart, unable to be together, crying and arguing.

You made me smile and cry, at the same time.


I was cleaning the house. I got a text from you so I stopped everything I was doing. Right there and then I read, "Id drag you to the beach. The weather is so beautiful just like you. Kisses and cuddles. Intwine our fingers while we dig our feet into the sand. I lean over and whisper "i love you" and kiss you. X" I smiled the biggest smile I have in a long time. But a tear rolled down my cheek and I started crying. Because I miss you, I want to be there with you doing that.

Disgusting.


I haven't had you for so long that I forgot what your love feels like. I cry every time I think of you or get reminded about you. Whenever I see people happy and in love, I feel sick and over it all. Only because I miss you so much, and they can have what I want.

Wednesday.


I haven't seen you in just over a week. The most I haven't seen you for. I asked you to come somewhere with me, so I could see you. We could go down to the strand, have a walk and talk about everything. Kiss, cuddle, hold hands and say "I love you." I was excited to look into your eyes and feel your arms around me with the touch of your lips on mine. To hear the sound of your voice, explore all your features again. I know it's going to sound bad when I say this, but I forgot what you look like, I forgot what your kisses taste like, I forgot what your arms feel like, I forgot what your hands in mine feel like. I hate this feeling. I just want you.

New start.


I'm leaving soon. And I don't have the courage to tell you. You try break up with me because of what's happened lately, but I keep you here. I convince you to stay. But why do I do it? Why make you stay when I'm leaving soon? I can't stand this anymore. My mind is messed up. I don't know what to think or what to do. I can't even eat or sleep anymore. All I do is cry. I have to much to think about and too much decisions to make! I need you baby, I love you, you're all I have left, I feel empty without you, I miss you and will miss you even more. That's why I can't let you go.

Here or not?


It's hard to live with you, it's hard to live without you. It's hard to talk to you, it's hard to ignore you. I feel like we're not together, even though we are. I tell myself I can see you next weekend, what if I can't? What if I have to stay home again? There's Thursday, but it won't be for too long. I can't stand this. We're not supposed to wait this long to see each other. It's tearing us apart and making us argue. When we come out, we will be better and stronger, I promise.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I'm worse.


Me and my mum fight 24/7 to the point where she cancels my plans last second. I say things I don't remember and then have to make excuses up to cover them. I have secrets inside me that kills me to think about. My past isn't the best to tell. I have too many mistakes to move forward because I fuck up over and over again. I have a fucked family that I get stuck in the middle of. I'm two faced about my best friend, but only for a good reason. I care about my boyfriend than my own self. I starve myself, not to be skinny and pretty, but to put me through pain because I am no longer strong enough to scar my wrists. I don't have enough money to buy my own things. I lie. I lie. I lie. I lie. I don't make things up, but I lie. I cover the truth. I cry myself to sleep. I wear make up to cover my tears. I listen to my iPod to run away from the world. I trust no one, only my Teddy.

I love my teddy.


I have a teddy. He loves to hear what I have to say, what I have to get out of me. He's good at listening. I tell him the good and bad. The only reason I keep a diary is so that he can read it. He loves when I write stories to him. He sits next to me quietly, while I hug him and smiles. He's the best friend I need.

:/


I only wear make up when I'm upset so you can't see behind it. It's like a mask. You can't see me cry when I have it on. But is this true?

I think I should go.


I don't have a social life. Only at school. But then again, I can hardly even say I have a life there either. I'm stuck at home doing this and that for you. Looking after my brother. We're too far away to go anywhere and I can't get a car or my licence. Everyone goes out and does stuff, buys new clothes, goes out for lunch and dinner with each other. I can't even get to a friends house for one night. And no one can come here because it's too far and too boring. I want a life. I want to be a teenager and explore all the stuff they do.

Give to take.


You say I do nothing around the house and ask for too much. I spent these holidays cleaning the house for you. I made it the best it had been in a while. All I asked for was a ride to my boyfriends house, but I get a no. We had planned I stayed there for two nights, maybe more. But you want me home all next week. And maybe even tomorrow night, which means I can't even stay tomorrow night?! You piss me off so god damn fucking much that I wish I had another mum. Another family. Because this one is no longer working for me.

To mum.


Thank you.

Thank you. Really.


I wish you were never born. You've ruined my life. I know they're the worst things to say, but ti's true. My teenage life has been thrown out the fucking window because you were born. It's all about you and I get nothing. You get things brought for you as soon as you ask. I ask for a ride to my boyfriends house and I get a no. Because I have to look after you. I have to stay home all holidays to look after you in the mornings. Then I can't do anything during the day because we live to far away from everything and I can't even get a car or my restricted. Life would be a lot easier without you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

One more time.


Thank you for taking me back. Thank you for making me the happiest and luckiest girl alive. Thank you for trying to make this work. Thank you for making realize some things. I said this is our last chance, and I mean it. But I don't want this to end. I want this to work. You are trying, and I'm trying. I know this will go far. We just have to hold onto each other.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Last chance.


You said it was our last chance. But I have heard that repeated over and over again. You still can't let go of me. You come running back in five seconds. You make this hard for me.

true.


We were supposed to go out to that party, but I couldn't. You said to me that was our last chance to work things out and get back together. When you said this, my heart dropped. I thought it couldn't drop any further. Until I went onto your facebook to write you a cute note to make you smile and ask for one more chance. But I saw you talking to a girl. Asking for her number. Telling her to go to the party with you. Asking where she lives. Calling her babe. Saying you would be keen for her. That was my heart gone. I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop shaking. I text you an abusive text. You acted dumb about it. But you realized you were caught out and you started saying sorry. You started crying and now you want me back. You put me through so much, I just don't know if I can come back.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

In the end.


I will say these, and tell you these every day. In the end, I still love you. You love me. And the problem stays the same. Nothing is fixed.

tell her.


She's going to tell you that I'm fucking you over. She's not going to like me anymore. She's going to say anything to make you feel better and bad mouth me. All simply because you are her son and she is your mother. She cares for you and wants the best. I won't be in the list of "best" but you could at least tell her those two words. Just pretend they fell out of your mouth.

I thought it had gone.


I hurt you. I fucked everything up between us. I fucked you around with our plans. I made you get your hopes up and broke them down. I repeated this about a thousand times before you started not to care. I want us to work, but you think I'm doing this on purpose. I'm supposed to be on my way to you now, we were supposed to go out together. But instead I sit in bed crying my eyes out and writing this. I rang you to say I couldn't go. I explained why. It wasn't my fault, but still, you blame it on me. I'm getting sick of these games. Because you do it too. But I take the blame for it all. I don't want us to end, but it's all I think about. You will lose your feelings for me. Tonight you will go out and get with someone else. And you won't tell me until I find out by somebody else. You will deny it and then admit it. It will be the news to hurt me the most. And it will be a reply of my past. A past I never want to see again.