Sunday, February 28, 2010

dreams are better than reality.

i had a dream last night. you and i were sitting on a hill in a feild, talking about everything. you looked into my eyes, i looked back into yours. i smiled, giggled and looked away making the obvious i was shy. firework started popping and banging in the air. the colourful light coming off them lit up your face. we watched them in the sky for a while. i could feel you turn your head and stare at me, you said i was beautiful. and as i looked as you with a smile, you kissed me. - this was infact the best drem i have had so far. i hope each night the story continues. because my dreams are far much better than reality.

don't make me suffer.

i want you to tell me how you feel. i want you to let me in.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

what am i doing?

we're best friends. we hung today. it was suppose to be a casual hang out. instead, it turned to something more. sitting on my bed became liying on my bed. liying far away from each other slowly became liying next to each other. tickleing started. more happened. staring into each others eyes. hugging came next. and then holding hands. it was a lovely day. it just made me confused a bit. i'm falling in love with your brother. but yet i'm messing around with you? please tell me what i am suppose to do. i can't live like this. you're a nice guy. know how to treat a girl. know how to make me smile and laugh. but i'm not sure what i'm doing is right.

my home.

Bethanyyy ((: x x x says:
yeah, im alright thankyou, omg some girls in yr 11 at my school were talking bout your leaving party the other day, i was like awwwwww
summer. says:
really? who were they?
Bethanyyy ((: x x x says:
erm, estelle and nikol
summer. says:
hahaha. aw, i miss nikol.
what'd they say?
Bethanyyy ((: x x x says:
well, it was at the dance show rehersal and someone was dancing to some song, and they were like, omg do you remember when they played this at summers leaving party and like everyone was crying, lol xx

knowing that i still exist there is the greatest ever. knowing i haven't been forgotten. i miss England. i miss my friends there.


it was 11.11 when i looked at the time. instead of sitting there watching the time, thinking about what i'm going to wish for, i straight away made a wish. and i hope to God, that it happens. because i miss you.

Friday, February 26, 2010

i can't handle it.

i saw a car. it looked familer. but i dissed it in a joking way. as it drove past, a familer face popped out of the window and pulled hand signs. i smiled as i realised it was you. my heart started pounding. my smile couldn't get any bigger. you were in my head from then. i wanted you to turn around and come back. i wished for it. i saw the car again. i smiled. you came back to see me. just for me. i looked in the back, and i saw another familer face. one i see every day at school. one that belongs to my friend. my heart sank. i couldn't of got more dissapointed. i didn't know what to say or do. i wanted to kiss you. i was about to when your head was next to mine. staring in each others eyes, once again. i wanted a hug at least. but she was there. and i didn't know if it's what you want. you've been in my head every second from that moment. thank you for making my day. thank you for making my smile the biggest ever. thank you for making me have a great day.

i can't help it.

i smelt your scent today. as soon as i smelt it, my brain clicked to you. it became more powerful than the sun. a tear dropped from my eyes, not from too much scent. but from missing you.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

in my dream.

i say i love you as you walk away. you stopped. paused for a while. then turned around. looking deeply into my eyes. you spill the words from your mouth. my ears her "i love you too."

keep on smiling.

you're not smiling much. i had to force the corners of your lips turn upwards. but only for half of a second. you're not saying much. i have to force the words from your mouth. but some how, in some way, it's reminding me of how we used to be. it reminds me of the days i miss the most. i wish i could bring them back. maybe one day i can. that's what i'm working at.

Monday, February 22, 2010

it's out

you asked. so i told you. i spilled my heart out to you. you ignore it all and change the subject. all i want to know, is if you feel the same. but you won't tell me. i'm too scared to ask. you'll have to start the conversation. i'm not good at this. i feel like i'm breaking down. and you're the last peice holding me together.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

told you so

i warned you about him. i warned you about his actions. i told you every single detail. i broke it down to the smallest i could. you still didn't want to believe me. it happened. i was right. because i know him and what he's like. and now you can say sorry. and i can say i told you so.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

yes it is.

the truth is the best way to speak.

you're special

i met you ages ago. but i haven't realised how great you are until now. you have always just been "that guy" to me who i see whenever i bump into you when we're out. but i took my time to get to know you. my feeling grew for you. they kept growing. i had you. we both let it go. my feelings for you are still there. bigger than ever. would you ever come back? i hope so. you are what keeps me happy.

it can't happen

tell me straight up, is the "him" you are talking about the "him" i'm thinking about? if it is, you need to get your story straight. you're falling in love with one, but love another again. please tell me. i'm trying to get him to notice my feelings for him have never gone. but now you're getting in the way.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

tell me.

i just want to know one thing. do you still want me?

this is not goodbye.

we're single again. but thank you for understanding everything. it's just not the same anymore and i'm glad you see that too. you're a great friend. bestfraaaaaand. hahaha. you still make me happy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


and you haven't. you said "i hate you" but you never truley left. thank you.


i do.

please stop this.

you're smile. you're hair. you're accent. you're personality. you're scent. you're face. you're arms. you're texts. you're name on msn. you're was of speaking. just you. it's happening again. well, it never went away. my feelings for you have always been there. but now they are stronger than ever.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

the truth.

everyone's friendship. stop worrying, it's all happened before.


i want to love again. yes, i love you. but i'm not in love with you. there's a big difference.

it is you.

sunday 14th february, valentines day. we didn't do anything special, but i still had an amazing day with you. it made me realise a few things. it is you who makes me smile so much. it is you who makes me this happy. it is you who i think about a lot. it is you who's hugs and kisses i miss when you're gone. it is you who can attack me and hurt me by accident and i don't care. it is you who makes me feel so special. it is you who i love.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

that's all

you were just a chapter in my life story. nothing more. but that's all you need to be to be special. you made me where i am today. with out that chapter, my story would be different.

keep me close

before i run away and hide. keep me close. convince me you're not going to hurt me like every other male that has. make me believe i can fall in like with you and maybe fall in love with you. wrap your arms around me until we disapear from this world. kiss my lips with yours until we can't breath anymore. stare into my eyes with yours until we go blind. make sure we never leave.

the picture speaks for what i meant to you.

that's what it is.

life is a mistery. no one knows what happens next. sit with me, and watch it go by, watch everything happen to us.


you left. i cried. i left. now you know how i felt. you told me "i'm not the one who has moved on here, am i?" no, you're not. but you pushed me away. that was the only way to get over you. it hasn't completely worked yet. but i'm getting there. just keep hating me the way you are at the moment. and i will be gone forever. starting new with my life.

Monday, February 8, 2010

it's all i do.

i sit here thinking, of how i messed up. with a lot of things. it's what i'm good at.

it's all gone

you let our friendship go like a bubble. you even popped it like a bubble.

i try

i try to smile. trust me, i do. but you always bounce back and cut me all over again.

everything to me

this is all i am to you.

good one summer.

you asked me to fuck off, leave you alone, not to talk to you, to leave? never in my life have i agreed to something so easily like that. ever. i'm doing it for you. you fucked me over. getting jealouus over nothing? starting a fight over the internet? it shows you're too cool. way too cool for me. but you got this all wrong. you think you know my feelings, you think you know what i want, you think you know me,? well guess what, you don't. never have and never will. you don't care about me. and i care the world for you. i was caring for you the whole way along. arguing or not. i loved every part of you. feeling your soft strong arms around me, your soft lips on mine, your beautiful eyes staring at mine. it's all gone now. and you hate me.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

just me and you

i need a job, so i can get a car, so i can get out of here, and so i can be with you and we can do our plan. but i'm not supposed to be with you anymore. and i shouldn't, but i do. i miss you.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

so stupid

i saw you today, for the first time in a few weeks. i smiled and was going to hug you. until i remembered you "hated" me. the smile dissapeared. and i held back the tears. i can't believe you let our strong friendship go over something so stupid. you won't even listen to me. maybe if you did, i wouldn't be this upset and wouldn't miss you so much.

thank you.

i never thought i'd find someone who understands me as much as you do. no one who will try their hardest to make me happy again when there is a river running down my face. no one who will just have a casual coversation with me about everything and anything. no one who will judge me for anything i do. that's why i love you and call you my bestfriend. i will return the favour. i will be here for you 24/7. even if you call at 3 in the morning. i will be the one you can run too. thank you so much. for everything.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

try something new.

i cried and cried, but i wiped them tears. and i could see clearly again. i remember the image i saw. you standing infront of me. making me the happiest girl alive. i woke up from my dream, and turned around, and there you were.

i shouldn't, but i do.

it's true. i miss you. i can't bare seeing you with another girl, or hearing about it. even though i'm with another guy. it still hurts. because i liked you, a lot. but we both fucked it up. and this is the way life is taking us. i just want to be your friend still. i still want you to be able to talk to me. and your brother. we were so close. and to let it slip away like that, is stupid. i love you, in a friend way.

i promise.

you make me happy. you make me smile. you make my heart beat fast. you make my eyes see the brighter side of things. you make my mind decide the smarter things. i really really like you. everything has moved so fast. and i have had bad experiences with things moving to fast. but i promise you this, i will not mess this up. i will hold onto the tightest i can. i will keep you sheltered from the rain. i will keep your heart in a safe tight grip. i will keep you mine until the end of time.