Wednesday, April 27, 2011

oh damn.

Well this weekend was one of the best. Seeing you was a surprise though. I thought my feelings for you had gone, but as soon as I saw you I couldn't set my eyes on you again. You stared at me all night and flirted. I got more drunk as the night went on and you started getting closer. Nothing happened, mainly because nothing could of happened. But I would of said no to you if you tried. You chose her over me like I knew you would. So like I promised, I'm not being your girl on the side. You were texting me the next day saying you were staring all night. I know you were, but I told you you shouldn't be. It's so hard to say no to you and not flirt with you. I've put my life on pause to see if things happen with me and you. I feel stupid. But Every time I see you, I get butterflies.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

R.I.P Leon Casey.

I know I didn't know you well, but I had met you a few times out at the pub and I saw you yesterday in town. A few weeks ago you took an overdose of drugs and you were put in hospital with 60% chance of dying. But you were strong and pulled through it. Everyone was glad you had made it through. You were then put on anti-depressants and you were given a prescription daily so you didn't overdose again. I woke up this morning to one of my best friends running in and screaming "Leon's dead!" She was balling her eyes out and couldn't even stand on her own two feet. Everyone in this town today was crying. Everywhere we went, everyone was talking about you. You were drinking on your tablets. You were in the worst mood you've ever been in and you decided to take your own life. You did it in your shed and your dad found you hanging there. Your poor dad. To know that he found his own son who just took his own life. Your little brother and sister. The rest of your family. And all your friends. You've broken a lot of hearts, but I know you're in a better place. You weren't happy here. I just wish you could of stayed and let someone help you. Rest in peace Leon. You will be missed and forever loved. xx

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Shit fuck shit. You're home tomorrow, and I'm not ready for this at all. I'm scared of what's going to happen. I don't know if I can even talk to you. But when you come back, I'm letting you talk to me first. and this time I'm not being your girl on the side. I promised myself, and I'm keeping it.

It's a funny thing.

We kinder met randomly, and then we started sitting together in maths and hanging out. Since then we became best friends. We told each other everything and helped each other through everything. We had arguments, little fights, including fist fights. ;) hahaha. but we got through it all. And I'm glad we did. Because even though I'm the other side of the world, we're still as close as we were when I was in New Zealand. You keep me up on all the latest gossip and bitchy stuff. You should be gossip queen 101. :L you know everything. Haha. But you're amazing and funny. I love you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I never once thought that you would ever chose her over me. I mean, she's not even part of this family and I'm your daughter. Your REAL daughter. The one you gave birth too, the one you raised and loved. I'm the one you used to hug until I fell asleep, the one who you told everything to. You always used to tell me I was your everything and you loved me so much. But I guess all that means nothing to you anymore? You told me this is the most disappointed you've been in me. But seriously.. What the FUCK have I done? Nothing. Exactly. But apparently I'm getting all my friends to bully her. Right? But do you know, that I've told them to leave the situation alone. I left it alone and you should too. Because it was left alone until you got involved. If you were sticking up for me I would understand why you got involved. But you stuck up for her! Again! I hate that you two are friends on facebook and friends in life. She still calls you her second mum. Fuck that shit! If you want her as your daughter, go ahead. Because you just lost me. Hint the fact that I deleted you on facebook. So thanks for everything "mum", I don't even know what to call you anymore.

Saturday, April 9, 2011


I'm going to get you. You're going to be mine. I'm going to win you.

Something missing.

I want to go home to New Zealand so baldy. Even though I have the life here I feel like I haven't got it all yet. And that's because New Zealand is so far away from here.

Just friends.

Me and him are just friends. He was the only guy last night that was at the house who I could talk to after everyone left. The couch was the only place where we could sleep. But it's a long bendy couch, so he slept one end and I slept the other. Our feet didn't even touch. He's a great guy to have a laugh with but there is nothing going on between us and I have no feelings for him at all. I don't even find him attractive. He's your boyfriend and you're my friend. You two are great together and have been for the last three years. I hope you understand. I don't want to cause any drama. So I've stopped talking to him, for you.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Come to me.

I must print this off with my number on it and stick it around the town.

Tbh. I do this.

And it actually works.


This was me and you, two weeks ago.


So I got to speak to you for the whole day today. It made me smile and happy. I was in a hyper, happy mood because that's what you do to me. You make me laugh so easily. I hope you do come back soon and I hope you do choose what we talk about all the time. Because if you do, I got a big surprise for you. ;)

Haha, fuck you.

Girl you're no friend. So how about you fuck off and leave? Yeah? Take my clothes to my aunties house and you can get your ring when I'm over next. Koz I ain't spending money or time on you no more. You don't deserve my shit.

This is me.

Time to be me.


So, it's a start of a new start for me. Single Summer. I've never actually quite been single. I've always been tied to someone, or in a relationship. I'm sick of having relationships. It's time to do me! So I went shopping, I got new shoes and new dresses. I'm going shopping again tomorrow, I was shopping on the internet and ordered new dresses on there. I got invited to an 18th and a 21st. I've got the girls to have fun with and I just feel fantastic. I can live my life with no worries, no promises to a guy, don't have to be paranoid in case he doesn't like what I'm wearing. I'm free to do what I like. And it's about time.

I'll come back.

The first time we spoke was when I was walking out of science and you were walking out of maths, going to lunch, we walked past each other every day, but you stopped me, smiled and invited me to your 16th. After that, we didn't talk again, I turned up to your 16th and thanked you for a great night. A few months after you mailed me on bebo and asked me if I hated you. How could I hate you? You invited me to your birthday, you were beautiful and you were funny. That's when we first became friends. We stayed up most of the night talking on msn. You became my Mojojojo. You were the first one to click onto how I said "whaat you doooing?" like that girl off Phineas and Ferb. You got who I am in one night. After hanging out more, we became more close. We told the world we were sisters, we nearly got kicked out of your own house for laughing too much, we went to almost every party together, we went to the ball together and we just casually hung out too much. I miss those days, I miss being around you and laughing with you. You and your sister were the funniest people to be around. I'll see you when I get back. I love you.

Nothing comes between us.

I've known you for not even 3 months yet, and people would say we've known each other for years. We're the best friends who can sit on a couch and play with each others hair, or tickles each others backs, or lay on each other without any of it being weird. I fit into your family, and you fit into mine. We go everywhere together, do everything together. We spend almost every day together. Black and yellow, kush, on the floor - they remind me of you every single time and it never gets old. You're with my brother and I was with yours. I did some bad things to your brother, and you did some bad things to mine. But we still stay best friends. Sure we get pissed off at each other, but we say how we feel then we talk it out and hug it out at the end. I love you Gemma Louise Crowley. :)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I'm okay, I am. I'm happy and alive. I like being single and being able to do whatever the fuck I like. There's just one thing I miss, I miss having someone to cuddle. I don't want a relationship, I just want a cuddle partner. I guess it takes time, right?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Exactly right.

Style of your hair, shape of your eyes and your nose, the way you stare as if you see, right through to my soul, It's your left hand and the way that it's not quite as big as your right, the way you stand in the mirror
before we go out at night. Our quiet time, your beautiful mind, they're a part of the list. Things that I miss. Things like your funny little laugh, the way you smile or the way we kiss. What I noticed is this, I come up with something new, every single time that I sit and reminisce. The way you sweet smell lingers when you leave a room. Stories you tell as we lay in bed all afternoon. I dreamed you now every night in my mind is where we meet. And when I'm awake staring at pictures of you asleep. Touching your face, invading your space. They're a part of the list. Things that I miss. Things like your funny little laugh, the way you smile or the way we kiss. What I noticed is this, I come up with something new, every single time that I sit and reminisce. And you'll live in my memories forever more I swear. They're a part of the list. Things that I miss. Things like your funny little laugh, the way you smile, or the way we kiss. What I noticed is this, I come up with something new, every single time that I sit and reminisce.


And fucking kiss me.

Yes I do.

Shit yes I have a story. It would take about three books to even explain my story. Some parts good, some parts bad. But that's what a story is all about, right?


I fucking miss you.

Whoa re you playing?

You broke up with your girlfriend, and I broke up with my boyfriend. You go to Spain for a month and say when you come back you want to be with me. I was delighted. You told me to tell Buddy that I like you. To see what he says. You said we will work on them accepting the idea when you get back. But then the girl you were with said you guys were talking about getting back together when you get back. Since then you've been acting weird towards me. Not your normal self. So you know what? When you get back, you have two choices. Have me or leave me. But I am not going to be your girl on the side any more. If you don't want me then that's fine. I will live my life and eventually find myself someone else. Right now, while you're in Spain, I'm going to be single and be happy. :) So fuck you, but I still like you. And btw, I miss you.

And it starts all over again.

After our secret had gotten out we weren't allowed to talk to each other anymore. Which is fair enough. But you have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you. Then one night I was lying in bed and I got a text. It was you. After that text we started texting all the time again. I went up to Clara, and as soon as I got there I walked into Buddy's room and all the lads were there. I looked around and said hi to everyone. Then I saw your face. I smiled and walked out. Me, Gemma and Buddy went to get drink. The night rolled on and we got drunk and had more fun. You kept staring at me all night, and making comments about me. I didn't know how to react. It was kind of awkward. Buddy was watching every step we took. I couldn't go near you. So I hardly spoke to you. You guys left at 4.30am. After you left you text me. "are you akwake?" after we got texting you told me I looked beautiful and you couldn't stop looking at me. I fell asleep texting you. The next day Lee, Christy and Pa came round. Buddy and Gemma went off, Lee got drunk and commerd, so I was sitting in the kitchen with the lads playing card games. Christy gave me his bracelet, and Pa was hugging me. Then I looked up and you walked in. Then I had to start drinking more to get my mind off you. Everyone turned up at the house during the night. It was just me, you, Sca and Lee left. You text me off Sca's phone. We planned to go into the room later when Bud and Gem was asleep. 6am, I decided to go to bed. I stayed awake texting you, then I heard a knock at my window. I looked out it and you were there. I opened it and you kissed me. I smiled and you kissed me again. 7am, I hear my door open, I see you standing there. So I sit up and you smile at me and say I look beautiful in bed. You joined me in bed, and we had sex. Then we just lay in bed, talking and hugging. You held my hand and kissed my forehead over a million times. You said sweet things to me, and made me laugh. We had sex again, and then you just lay there holding me in your arms. We didn't talk for a while. My head on your chest, listening to your heart beat. You were stroking my arm. It was amazing. Then you kissed my head and whispered "I like you." If only you saw the smile on my face as I whispered "I like you too." Everything you said that night goes through my head every day. It was magical.