I had wonderful Christmas's, with family and friends around me. Last year I felt completely alone that I wanted to go back home to New Zealand. But this year, I never thought I would feel like this. I'm excited for Christmas with my family and my new friends. I just couldn't get any happier.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
I want you back so much. Please just come back to me. Please. I won't beg you to your face, but behind shut doors I'm screaming and crying for you. I'm punching walls and kicking. You have no idea how this feels and I hope that one day, just one day, someone hurts you like you hurt me.
We were getting along so great and gotten so close to each other. You had become the best boyfriend I had because you kept me happy more than anyone else did. I thought you would never hurt me. But you're just like the rest. You kissed your ex. The one thing I was always paranoid about happening but I told myself you wouldn't hurt me like that. Looks like I was the fool! I told you I'd forgive you and give you another chance, as long as she stays away. But you didn't answer me. I really miss you and I feel so empty without you. I can't stop crying over you and I hate being like this. You saw how much you hurt me so just take me back. Please.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
So when you find out your friends were with any one of your brothers, you freak out. You set up me and your brother, that was fine. But then my best friend gets with him and you snap at her for doing it to me. And then the other one gets with him on the weekend and you don't give a fuck. Nice friend you are.
You come round to mine all the time. We talk and talk about anything and everything. You talk about your ex, and I talk about mine. We talk about our current events, like my boyfriend, or who you're with now. We bitch about bitches. Like when my best friend got with my ex who I still had feelings for. You said it was bitchy and you could never do that. But yet at the weekend, you did it. Thank you very much Sarah.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I have the best boyfriend in the world, the best one I've found in the 18 years of my life. But you have a spell on me. I need to stay away from you, because I'm not doing anything to fuck this relationship up. What me and you had is gone. Over. Finished. And done. That's final. I'm going to be the best girlfrind I can to the guy I'm falling in love with, and a good friend, as good as I can be, to you.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I'm not mad you moved on, I'm happy for you. I'm happy how I've moved on. But sitting in my room looking at photo's of us and what we used to be hit me all over again. So I went on your facebook and you and her say everything me and you used to. I know you said once before when we were ending, you'll find another girl and you'll get her to say all those things that made us happy. But I didn't think it would actually happen. And didn't think it would hurt this much. You two are another me and you.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
You're an absolute bitch. I did everything possible for you. I let you move into my house and live here for 5/6 months, I brought you everything you needed, I gave you the best 20th birthday ever, I caught your tears and hugged you until you smiled, I gave you advice and I even kept your secrets. Once you moved out, you became the biggest bitch but I never thought you would go this low. You knew how I felt and you kissed him right in front of me. You were all over him, I got so angry. I text you abusive messages, I rang you and shouted at you. You started crying saying sorry. But none of that meant shit anyways. Because you still went off and fucked him in his bed. You're some slut who lives in the same town as me. Not the best friend I used to have.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A few weeks ago, you came to my house for a house party. We spoke and danced but that was all. The next weekend I seen you at another house party. We all went to The Meeting Place and while the DJ was playing, me and you sat in the smoking area chatting for the night, watching everyone enjoy there night and having laughs. Everyone had told me that we would get together that night. I didn't think you were into me, so I said no. But when we went back to the house we were flirting, laughing and smiling at each other. 8am came along, we had no sleep but I was sitting on your lap and you had your arm around me. We got up and took the couch. While we cuddled we fell asleep. Every day since then I've been with you. You came around that Thursday my Dad went to Dublin and we watched a few dvds. You touched my face so softly and I looked at you, you smiled and then kissed me. I got butterflies in my tummy and I smiled. You've stayed at my house every night since then. You get along with my family and I get along with yours. Sunday night just gone, we were out in the pub. Everyone asked if we were together, we both just smiled and then laughed. We didn't know what to say. Because we are but we aren't. Later on in the night I seen my sister, and she grabbed me and said in my ear "I told Ken to look after you and if he hurts you then I'm going to kill him." I went to move my head away to smile at her but she pulled me back and said "He told me that he wouldn't ever hurt you because he's mad about you and really likes you." I didn't know what to say. All I could do was smile really big. Then I looked at you and thought to myself, "I like you too." I understand why we're not in a relationship yet. Let's wait for the right time, because I like how things are now. I know I'm nearly 18 and you've just turned 25, but age has nothing to do with it. I know you can treat a girl right and now it's me you're treating right and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. All because I have you. I really like you.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I can't believe after all this time, I knew who you were through your brothers death, but never actually spoke to you. Now you're mine and I'm yours. You may be 25, but who cares. I like you and you like me. We keep each other happy. Staying in watching dvds, going out to the pubs, going to house parties. I always seem to have a smile on my face because of you. Just jumping in your arms for a cuddle makes me feel amazing and safe. You give me butterflies in my tummy.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I did it for the first time in my life. I never thought I would of but it was fucking great. I've changed a lot in the last 6 months. But now I'm the real me. The old me has gone. The old me wouldn't of done that at all, ever. Would of said no and walked away. But I went straight for it and I got it. I was loving my life!
You know I've had my eye on you, and you had yours on me. But the time couldn't of been any better. Your kisses are amazing, and falling asleep hugging you was the best. I swear I've never been this happy as I am now after what happened that night. You've got me all smiles.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Last night you came over and you stayed for a few hours. I love the way you made me laugh, and the way you laugh. The way you were hugging me and kissing my head. And now you're moving into your new house today with my brother after your exam. I can't wait to come stay tonight. :D
So I have two older brothers. One is 20 and the other is 26. When I was younger, one used to look out for me and the other I didn't really know. But when he looked out for me, I felt loved and I was happy to have an older brother. Now we're 6 years older. There's only 3 years of age between us, so we hang out with the same people. But now he gets over-protected. I can't handle it any more. I talk to one of his friends and he snaps at me. But with the other one, he's 26 and doesn't give a fuck about what I do. We go out to the pub, drink, have fun, dance and even we have the same friends. But he lets me live my life, and he's there for me when I need him. He doesn't stop me from doing what I want. He will tell me if he thinks it's wrong but he lets me live my life! I hate having two completely different brothers. One basically hates me and the other one adores me. I don't like having different relationships with family. Because everyone means the same to me.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
So next week is our friends 21st. I'm wondering how it would turn out. All three of you are going to be there, and I'm going to be there. This can turn out good or bad. But none of you are going to stop me having a good night. So before you stop and talk to me, make sure you know what you're going to say. Otherwise just pretend like you're ignoring me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
What me and you had, is gone. Out the window completely. You came back from Spain and chose your girlfriend. I didn't care, I said I was going out being single. If me being with a guy now annoys you, maybe you should of thought about it before you took your girlfriend back. I know you said you were in love with me, but we weren't talking for a while so I thought you didn't like me any more. I'm sorry. I know I'm still in love with you but I need to move on. So don't get mad at me for being with someone now.
Us living together has been the craziest thing we've done yet. It's not a good or bad thing, it's a dangerous thing. The crazy stuff we come up with is insane. But I'm glad you're here. You keep me smiling through the day and you get me drunk at night. What else do we need? Haha. I love you.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
You've been ringing me quite a bit lately. And tbh, I find it a bit cute. Because you take mummy's phone and get my number, dial it into the house phone and sit in your room talking to me for an hour. You're growing up so quickly and I hate that I'm missing it. But I will be with you again soon. I miss you and I love you.
When you came back, you just stopped talking to me. So I just left it at that. I then saw you that weekend in Dublin. It was awkward, weird and heart racing. But I ignored you still. We wouldn't talk any time we saw each other. Last weekend at Gaza's house we would hardly even look at each other. How could it go from being so mad about each other to this? In such little time too? We had a big heart to heart the other morning about it. You told me everything you felt, everything you thought and everything you saw. I told you everything too. But nothing will ever be the same. We have to accept that.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
In all honesty, we've been friends longer than you and him were together. I helped you through everything with him. We had our ups and downs, arguments, fist fights, memories, laughs and jokes. But there is one thing I would never ever do to you. And that is get with the person you were in love with for the last year. The one who fucked you over a lot and I was there to catch you. The one who lied to you a lot and we were there to catch him out. I may be a bitch, but I'm not that much of a bitch to go behind my best friend's back and do that. You saw how much me and him hated each other because of what he did to you. But then we became friends every now and then because he was treating you right. If you don't remember, I was with Nick that night this apparently happened. And I was crazy about Nick just like you were with "him." Tbh, I don't even know what to say. Because I didn't do it, and I don't want to loose you.
A few weeks ago, you asked me for my number, I gave it to you and we were texting for four hours that night. But this weekend, I saw you watching me a lot. I saw you smile at me every time I walked past you in the house. When we were down at Gaza's house, you were sat on the table, and I came and sat in between your legs, just as friends. We had a few fags together and had a few drinks. We had a few jokes and a few smiles. Back at Buddy's house I went straight to the couch so I had a bed. When I woke up you were sat on the arm of the couch, you asked me to move over a bit, so I did and you sat down behind me. You put your arm around me and hugged me. We got cosey and then you put your hand on my face, stroking it while looking at me. I smiled, you moved your hand to my chin and lifted my chin up. You kissed me. We lay there for the night hugging and kissing. You're a cute kind of guy, and I like the fact that I wasn't a one night thing for you. You're texting me now and you like me. I'll see you tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Well this weekend was one of the best. Seeing you was a surprise though. I thought my feelings for you had gone, but as soon as I saw you I couldn't set my eyes on you again. You stared at me all night and flirted. I got more drunk as the night went on and you started getting closer. Nothing happened, mainly because nothing could of happened. But I would of said no to you if you tried. You chose her over me like I knew you would. So like I promised, I'm not being your girl on the side. You were texting me the next day saying you were staring all night. I know you were, but I told you you shouldn't be. It's so hard to say no to you and not flirt with you. I've put my life on pause to see if things happen with me and you. I feel stupid. But Every time I see you, I get butterflies.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I know I didn't know you well, but I had met you a few times out at the pub and I saw you yesterday in town. A few weeks ago you took an overdose of drugs and you were put in hospital with 60% chance of dying. But you were strong and pulled through it. Everyone was glad you had made it through. You were then put on anti-depressants and you were given a prescription daily so you didn't overdose again. I woke up this morning to one of my best friends running in and screaming "Leon's dead!" She was balling her eyes out and couldn't even stand on her own two feet. Everyone in this town today was crying. Everywhere we went, everyone was talking about you. You were drinking on your tablets. You were in the worst mood you've ever been in and you decided to take your own life. You did it in your shed and your dad found you hanging there. Your poor dad. To know that he found his own son who just took his own life. Your little brother and sister. The rest of your family. And all your friends. You've broken a lot of hearts, but I know you're in a better place. You weren't happy here. I just wish you could of stayed and let someone help you. Rest in peace Leon. You will be missed and forever loved. xx
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Shit fuck shit. You're home tomorrow, and I'm not ready for this at all. I'm scared of what's going to happen. I don't know if I can even talk to you. But when you come back, I'm letting you talk to me first. and this time I'm not being your girl on the side. I promised myself, and I'm keeping it.
We kinder met randomly, and then we started sitting together in maths and hanging out. Since then we became best friends. We told each other everything and helped each other through everything. We had arguments, little fights, including fist fights. ;) hahaha. but we got through it all. And I'm glad we did. Because even though I'm the other side of the world, we're still as close as we were when I was in New Zealand. You keep me up on all the latest gossip and bitchy stuff. You should be gossip queen 101. :L you know everything. Haha. But you're amazing and funny. I love you.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I never once thought that you would ever chose her over me. I mean, she's not even part of this family and I'm your daughter. Your REAL daughter. The one you gave birth too, the one you raised and loved. I'm the one you used to hug until I fell asleep, the one who you told everything to. You always used to tell me I was your everything and you loved me so much. But I guess all that means nothing to you anymore? You told me this is the most disappointed you've been in me. But seriously.. What the FUCK have I done? Nothing. Exactly. But apparently I'm getting all my friends to bully her. Right? But do you know, that I've told them to leave the situation alone. I left it alone and you should too. Because it was left alone until you got involved. If you were sticking up for me I would understand why you got involved. But you stuck up for her! Again! I hate that you two are friends on facebook and friends in life. She still calls you her second mum. Fuck that shit! If you want her as your daughter, go ahead. Because you just lost me. Hint the fact that I deleted you on facebook. So thanks for everything "mum", I don't even know what to call you anymore.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Me and him are just friends. He was the only guy last night that was at the house who I could talk to after everyone left. The couch was the only place where we could sleep. But it's a long bendy couch, so he slept one end and I slept the other. Our feet didn't even touch. He's a great guy to have a laugh with but there is nothing going on between us and I have no feelings for him at all. I don't even find him attractive. He's your boyfriend and you're my friend. You two are great together and have been for the last three years. I hope you understand. I don't want to cause any drama. So I've stopped talking to him, for you.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
So I got to speak to you for the whole day today. It made me smile and happy. I was in a hyper, happy mood because that's what you do to me. You make me laugh so easily. I hope you do come back soon and I hope you do choose what we talk about all the time. Because if you do, I got a big surprise for you. ;)
So, it's a start of a new start for me. Single Summer. I've never actually quite been single. I've always been tied to someone, or in a relationship. I'm sick of having relationships. It's time to do me! So I went shopping, I got new shoes and new dresses. I'm going shopping again tomorrow, I was shopping on the internet and ordered new dresses on there. I got invited to an 18th and a 21st. I've got the girls to have fun with and I just feel fantastic. I can live my life with no worries, no promises to a guy, don't have to be paranoid in case he doesn't like what I'm wearing. I'm free to do what I like. And it's about time.
The first time we spoke was when I was walking out of science and you were walking out of maths, going to lunch, we walked past each other every day, but you stopped me, smiled and invited me to your 16th. After that, we didn't talk again, I turned up to your 16th and thanked you for a great night. A few months after you mailed me on bebo and asked me if I hated you. How could I hate you? You invited me to your birthday, you were beautiful and you were funny. That's when we first became friends. We stayed up most of the night talking on msn. You became my Mojojojo. You were the first one to click onto how I said "whaat you doooing?" like that girl off Phineas and Ferb. You got who I am in one night. After hanging out more, we became more close. We told the world we were sisters, we nearly got kicked out of your own house for laughing too much, we went to almost every party together, we went to the ball together and we just casually hung out too much. I miss those days, I miss being around you and laughing with you. You and your sister were the funniest people to be around. I'll see you when I get back. I love you.
I've known you for not even 3 months yet, and people would say we've known each other for years. We're the best friends who can sit on a couch and play with each others hair, or tickles each others backs, or lay on each other without any of it being weird. I fit into your family, and you fit into mine. We go everywhere together, do everything together. We spend almost every day together. Black and yellow, kush, on the floor - they remind me of you every single time and it never gets old. You're with my brother and I was with yours. I did some bad things to your brother, and you did some bad things to mine. But we still stay best friends. Sure we get pissed off at each other, but we say how we feel then we talk it out and hug it out at the end. I love you Gemma Louise Crowley. :)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I'm okay, I am. I'm happy and alive. I like being single and being able to do whatever the fuck I like. There's just one thing I miss, I miss having someone to cuddle. I don't want a relationship, I just want a cuddle partner. I guess it takes time, right?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
You broke up with your girlfriend, and I broke up with my boyfriend. You go to Spain for a month and say when you come back you want to be with me. I was delighted. You told me to tell Buddy that I like you. To see what he says. You said we will work on them accepting the idea when you get back. But then the girl you were with said you guys were talking about getting back together when you get back. Since then you've been acting weird towards me. Not your normal self. So you know what? When you get back, you have two choices. Have me or leave me. But I am not going to be your girl on the side any more. If you don't want me then that's fine. I will live my life and eventually find myself someone else. Right now, while you're in Spain, I'm going to be single and be happy. :) So fuck you, but I still like you. And btw, I miss you.
After our secret had gotten out we weren't allowed to talk to each other anymore. Which is fair enough. But you have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you. Then one night I was lying in bed and I got a text. It was you. After that text we started texting all the time again. I went up to Clara, and as soon as I got there I walked into Buddy's room and all the lads were there. I looked around and said hi to everyone. Then I saw your face. I smiled and walked out. Me, Gemma and Buddy went to get drink. The night rolled on and we got drunk and had more fun. You kept staring at me all night, and making comments about me. I didn't know how to react. It was kind of awkward. Buddy was watching every step we took. I couldn't go near you. So I hardly spoke to you. You guys left at 4.30am. After you left you text me. "are you akwake?" after we got texting you told me I looked beautiful and you couldn't stop looking at me. I fell asleep texting you. The next day Lee, Christy and Pa came round. Buddy and Gemma went off, Lee got drunk and commerd, so I was sitting in the kitchen with the lads playing card games. Christy gave me his bracelet, and Pa was hugging me. Then I looked up and you walked in. Then I had to start drinking more to get my mind off you. Everyone turned up at the house during the night. It was just me, you, Sca and Lee left. You text me off Sca's phone. We planned to go into the room later when Bud and Gem was asleep. 6am, I decided to go to bed. I stayed awake texting you, then I heard a knock at my window. I looked out it and you were there. I opened it and you kissed me. I smiled and you kissed me again. 7am, I hear my door open, I see you standing there. So I sit up and you smile at me and say I look beautiful in bed. You joined me in bed, and we had sex. Then we just lay in bed, talking and hugging. You held my hand and kissed my forehead over a million times. You said sweet things to me, and made me laugh. We had sex again, and then you just lay there holding me in your arms. We didn't talk for a while. My head on your chest, listening to your heart beat. You were stroking my arm. It was amazing. Then you kissed my head and whispered "I like you." If only you saw the smile on my face as I whispered "I like you too." Everything you said that night goes through my head every day. It was magical.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Your eyes with your long eye lashes that every jokes about, your smile with your straight white teeth, your confidence, your voice when you whisper in my ear, our silence when we sit just looking, your hands when they hold mine, your body when I wrap my arms around you, your kisses on the forehead when I fall asleep on you, your heart beat when my head is on your chest, your feet when they play with mine, your arms when they hug me goodbye. All of you, and everything you do. I love it. I like you.
You told her everything. You told her you're going to miss me so much for the month you're away, you told her you're mad about me, you told her you really like me, you told her you want to be with me. And then she told me everything. But when she told me, she slipped something out by mistake, that you told her not to tell me. To be honest, even though you never said it yourself, my heart skipped a beat when she said it.
You asked me what I think of him. My answer to you was, "The honest truth of what I think of him? I think the world of him." But I'm too afraid to tell anyone else. You know more than anyone else. You know our feelings towards each other, our thoughts of each other. Thank you for being so calm about it.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I actually don't know what to do anymore..
I've liked you for over 6 years, and I see you more than my own boyfriend. I think about your kisses and cuddles every day. We text every day, and when I don't get a text first, I want to text you. But I can't even think about being with you in the future, because you're my brothers best friend. And he already isn't happy about us kissing. But now you have your girlfriend, and you're going to Spain for a month. I have my boyfriend, but he's in England and he treats me right. I haven't had that in a long time. I don't want to fuck anything up between me and him for you. But sometimes I wish it was you I had. I hate seeing you with your girlfriend. I get kind of.. jealous? I wish I could stop this feeling. I don't know what to do about it anymore..
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I watch everyone else in their relationships, happy as they can get. With everything they want and need. With pictures of them being happy. Comments of joking around and being in love. I want something that can be happy and that can last. I just want someone to love me and treat me the best they can. Someone who will give me everything I want, but I won't accept. Someone I can trust and to trust me. I want someone like you. Funny thing is, I have you and I fucked it up. Now I don't know where things are going.
Monday, February 28, 2011
We used to be crazy about each other. 6 years later, we're still the same. But this time we're older. You're nineteen, I'm seventeen. You're my brothers best friend. You started texting me and talking to me on facebook more often. There was a bit of flirting going on. When I saw you for the first time in 6 years, I was nervous. I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I didn't want to look at you to make it obvious. Then you text me from across the table while we were all playing kings and drinking. You said I looked beautiful sitting opposite you. I was wearing my jeans, hoodie and i was a mess from traveling all day. The night continued, and we became more drunk. I went outside to get some fresh air, you came out and sat next to me on the swing chair. We were talking and laughing. Next minute, you went in for a kiss. It was the most romantic first kiss I had ever had. You looked at me and smiled, then walked back inside. I sat for a while thinking. I had a smile on my face. The next day you text me and then I asked you what that kiss meant. Your reply was that you will tell me tonight. So I waited for the night to come around. When we went out, I saw you. First thing I did was went up to you and asked you. You said it wasn't a drunken mistake. It was because you actually like me. You kissed my forehead and walked away. Later on I asked why you kept walking away after these kind of things. You said because you didn't want to fall for my smile and my eyes. This time, I walked away. I sat outside again on my own. But I made sure you didn't know I went. I thought to my self for so long. My heart was beating fast, my smile on my face was so big, I wanted to text you. I realized I like you too. I got confused of what to do. You're going to Spain for a month. You told me at the bar that when you come back you want to be with me. That would of been great. But now, you have a girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend. You're breaking up with your girlfriend for me, but I can't do that. I'm sorry. Maybe one day, it will work out for us. And maybe, just maybe, everyone will understand.
You came to mine for a little holiday. As soon as you got here, all you did was be a bitch. When you went home you bitched to your boyfriend and my cousin about me. You thought I had never drunk alcohol before I came to England. Haha, dumb bitch, have you not seen my pictures on facebook? You went back and told them that I was drinking every night, all night. That I was smoking a lot. That I was having sex with anyone, anywhere. That people were doing cocaine on the streets. That people were killing themselves a lot. Hunny, you drank more than me when you were here. I drank one night, you drank two nights. I don't smoke. I've only had sex with one person. And he's not just "anyone" he's my boyfriend. And we didn't have sex just anywhere. We had sex in a bed, on a couch and the floor. Not outside on the road like you said. Otherwise don't you think we would of been seen, or run over or some shit? People aren't doing cocaine in the streets. They were just simply hanging around. And if people kill themselves, that's their choice. It's not me killing myself. So shut the fuck up and stop saying shit. Because now my mum isn't even talking to me. Because of you. I hope you feel better now that you were center of attention.
There's so many things I want to do to get my feelings out. Go for a walk while listening to my iPod, sit on my bed with my guitar and sing a song, draw and fill up the whole note pad, lay in bed with the covers over my head and cry, go see my boyfriend and just feel safe wrapped in his arms. But there's nothing I can do to actually make myself feel better.
I did the worst thing I could ever do. I hurt you and I hurt me. I'm glad we could sort it out. but baby, I think you should come home now and be with me again. I don't like being this far from you. I really like you. And you keep me so fucking happy.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I come here to just live my life. I've been hurt too many times to care about guys. I heard about you and people tried to set us up, but I said no because you sounded like a great guy and I didn't want to ruin you. But then I met you, you looked cute just standing there on the second step watching over the party and laughing with your friends. We started texting, I'm at your house every day, even though I'm there for Gemma, it's great to see you. You are the nicest and sweetest guy around. I'm scared to let anyone in and so are you, but we let each other in the first night it was just us. We lay down on the couch hugging, talking, you kissed me twice and we carried on talking. You know my secrets, and I know yours. I don't want to get attached to you though. Because you're moving away to England.