Saturday, July 31, 2010

Fuck this.

Wtf. You complain about not seeing me for two weeks and then it comes to a time when you can see me and you get me excited to see you. You just break it all down. I really thought you were coming. I knew it would be too good to be true. I guess I have to take this as the end? Fully over? My nightmare has come.

Hurry hurry.

You are staying tonight so we can sort everything out. I can't wait until you get here. I can't wait to feel your hugs and kisses again. I miss you!

You gave up.

You did it. You rung me an set up a fight. We broke up. You got me so fucking angry. You told me not to talk to ever again, because if I did you would want me back. I should of learnt from the last guy who said "I love you." That when you say "we will great friends. Best friends." when we break up, it's all shit. You stop talking to me. It's fucking bullshit. It's guys like you that makes me like I am today. So fucking insecure about myself. Thank you, really.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The truth, right now.

One day: I'm not allowed out of this house. I'm trapped. I feel forced. I feel sick. I'm not hungry. I miss my boyfriend. I'm not allowed my phone. I'm not allowed my laptop. I'm not sleeping. I'm drifted from my mum. Next day: I'm allowed out this weekend. I'm still trapped. I'm not hungry. I miss my boyfriend. I'm allowed my phone. I'm allowed my laptop. I'm not sleeping. I'm closer with my mum. Day after: I'm not allowed out. I'm not allowed my phone. Not allowed my laptop. Not friends with my mum.. MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP. One day: I get depression. I get too skinny. I get no sleep. Mum comes home to a daughter hanging from the ceiling.


You tell me what to do. You say anything you like to me. You can abuse me. You can abuse my family. You can treat my mum like shit. You can do anything you like. You can shout when you feel like it. I can't say anything I like to you. I can't hit you. I can do what I like. I would never abuse people I love. I can't shout. If I do any of these, I get in shit from YOU?! News flash hunny, you aren't my dad. Neither are you BOSS!

Could these be any more true?

Mum; my way of explaining to you.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The words I need.

The perfect words to explain everything!

We should be.

We should be out there doing stuff together, smiling, laughing, kissing and making memories. Instead we are torn apart, unable to be together, crying and arguing.

You made me smile and cry, at the same time.

I was cleaning the house. I got a text from you so I stopped everything I was doing. Right there and then I read, "Id drag you to the beach. The weather is so beautiful just like you. Kisses and cuddles. Intwine our fingers while we dig our feet into the sand. I lean over and whisper "i love you" and kiss you. X" I smiled the biggest smile I have in a long time. But a tear rolled down my cheek and I started crying. Because I miss you, I want to be there with you doing that.


I haven't had you for so long that I forgot what your love feels like. I cry every time I think of you or get reminded about you. Whenever I see people happy and in love, I feel sick and over it all. Only because I miss you so much, and they can have what I want.


I haven't seen you in just over a week. The most I haven't seen you for. I asked you to come somewhere with me, so I could see you. We could go down to the strand, have a walk and talk about everything. Kiss, cuddle, hold hands and say "I love you." I was excited to look into your eyes and feel your arms around me with the touch of your lips on mine. To hear the sound of your voice, explore all your features again. I know it's going to sound bad when I say this, but I forgot what you look like, I forgot what your kisses taste like, I forgot what your arms feel like, I forgot what your hands in mine feel like. I hate this feeling. I just want you.

New start.

I'm leaving soon. And I don't have the courage to tell you. You try break up with me because of what's happened lately, but I keep you here. I convince you to stay. But why do I do it? Why make you stay when I'm leaving soon? I can't stand this anymore. My mind is messed up. I don't know what to think or what to do. I can't even eat or sleep anymore. All I do is cry. I have to much to think about and too much decisions to make! I need you baby, I love you, you're all I have left, I feel empty without you, I miss you and will miss you even more. That's why I can't let you go.

Here or not?

It's hard to live with you, it's hard to live without you. It's hard to talk to you, it's hard to ignore you. I feel like we're not together, even though we are. I tell myself I can see you next weekend, what if I can't? What if I have to stay home again? There's Thursday, but it won't be for too long. I can't stand this. We're not supposed to wait this long to see each other. It's tearing us apart and making us argue. When we come out, we will be better and stronger, I promise.

Friday, July 9, 2010

I'm worse.

Me and my mum fight 24/7 to the point where she cancels my plans last second. I say things I don't remember and then have to make excuses up to cover them. I have secrets inside me that kills me to think about. My past isn't the best to tell. I have too many mistakes to move forward because I fuck up over and over again. I have a fucked family that I get stuck in the middle of. I'm two faced about my best friend, but only for a good reason. I care about my boyfriend than my own self. I starve myself, not to be skinny and pretty, but to put me through pain because I am no longer strong enough to scar my wrists. I don't have enough money to buy my own things. I lie. I lie. I lie. I lie. I don't make things up, but I lie. I cover the truth. I cry myself to sleep. I wear make up to cover my tears. I listen to my iPod to run away from the world. I trust no one, only my Teddy.

I love my teddy.

I have a teddy. He loves to hear what I have to say, what I have to get out of me. He's good at listening. I tell him the good and bad. The only reason I keep a diary is so that he can read it. He loves when I write stories to him. He sits next to me quietly, while I hug him and smiles. He's the best friend I need.


I only wear make up when I'm upset so you can't see behind it. It's like a mask. You can't see me cry when I have it on. But is this true?

I think I should go.

I don't have a social life. Only at school. But then again, I can hardly even say I have a life there either. I'm stuck at home doing this and that for you. Looking after my brother. We're too far away to go anywhere and I can't get a car or my licence. Everyone goes out and does stuff, buys new clothes, goes out for lunch and dinner with each other. I can't even get to a friends house for one night. And no one can come here because it's too far and too boring. I want a life. I want to be a teenager and explore all the stuff they do.

Give to take.

You say I do nothing around the house and ask for too much. I spent these holidays cleaning the house for you. I made it the best it had been in a while. All I asked for was a ride to my boyfriends house, but I get a no. We had planned I stayed there for two nights, maybe more. But you want me home all next week. And maybe even tomorrow night, which means I can't even stay tomorrow night?! You piss me off so god damn fucking much that I wish I had another mum. Another family. Because this one is no longer working for me.

To mum.

Thank you.

Thank you. Really.

I wish you were never born. You've ruined my life. I know they're the worst things to say, but ti's true. My teenage life has been thrown out the fucking window because you were born. It's all about you and I get nothing. You get things brought for you as soon as you ask. I ask for a ride to my boyfriends house and I get a no. Because I have to look after you. I have to stay home all holidays to look after you in the mornings. Then I can't do anything during the day because we live to far away from everything and I can't even get a car or my restricted. Life would be a lot easier without you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

One more time.

Thank you for taking me back. Thank you for making me the happiest and luckiest girl alive. Thank you for trying to make this work. Thank you for making realize some things. I said this is our last chance, and I mean it. But I don't want this to end. I want this to work. You are trying, and I'm trying. I know this will go far. We just have to hold onto each other.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Last chance.

You said it was our last chance. But I have heard that repeated over and over again. You still can't let go of me. You come running back in five seconds. You make this hard for me.


We were supposed to go out to that party, but I couldn't. You said to me that was our last chance to work things out and get back together. When you said this, my heart dropped. I thought it couldn't drop any further. Until I went onto your facebook to write you a cute note to make you smile and ask for one more chance. But I saw you talking to a girl. Asking for her number. Telling her to go to the party with you. Asking where she lives. Calling her babe. Saying you would be keen for her. That was my heart gone. I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop shaking. I text you an abusive text. You acted dumb about it. But you realized you were caught out and you started saying sorry. You started crying and now you want me back. You put me through so much, I just don't know if I can come back.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

In the end.

I will say these, and tell you these every day. In the end, I still love you. You love me. And the problem stays the same. Nothing is fixed.

tell her.

She's going to tell you that I'm fucking you over. She's not going to like me anymore. She's going to say anything to make you feel better and bad mouth me. All simply because you are her son and she is your mother. She cares for you and wants the best. I won't be in the list of "best" but you could at least tell her those two words. Just pretend they fell out of your mouth.

I thought it had gone.

I hurt you. I fucked everything up between us. I fucked you around with our plans. I made you get your hopes up and broke them down. I repeated this about a thousand times before you started not to care. I want us to work, but you think I'm doing this on purpose. I'm supposed to be on my way to you now, we were supposed to go out together. But instead I sit in bed crying my eyes out and writing this. I rang you to say I couldn't go. I explained why. It wasn't my fault, but still, you blame it on me. I'm getting sick of these games. Because you do it too. But I take the blame for it all. I don't want us to end, but it's all I think about. You will lose your feelings for me. Tonight you will go out and get with someone else. And you won't tell me until I find out by somebody else. You will deny it and then admit it. It will be the news to hurt me the most. And it will be a reply of my past. A past I never want to see again.