My list.

Your eyes with your long eye lashes that every jokes about, your smile with your straight white teeth, your confidence, your voice when you whisper in my ear, our silence when we sit just looking, your hands when they hold mine, your body when I wrap my arms around you, your kisses on the forehead when I fall asleep on you, your heart beat when my head is on your chest, your feet when they play with mine, your arms when they hug me goodbye. All of you, and everything you do. I love it. I like you.

First time.

You told her everything. You told her you're going to miss me so much for the month you're away, you told her you're mad about me, you told her you really like me, you told her you want to be with me. And then she told me everything. But when she told me, she slipped something out by mistake, that you told her not to tell me. To be honest, even though you never said it yourself, my heart skipped a beat when she said it.

Everyone has their own opinion.

You asked me what I think of him. My answer to you was, "The honest truth of what I think of him? I think the world of him." But I'm too afraid to tell anyone else. You know more than anyone else. You know our feelings towards each other, our thoughts of each other. Thank you for being so calm about it.

I need help.

I actually don't know what to do anymore..

I've liked you for over 6 years, and I see you more than my own boyfriend. I think about your kisses and cuddles every day. We text every day, and when I don't get a text first, I want to text you. But I can't even think about being with you in the future, because you're my brothers best friend. And he already isn't happy about us kissing. But now you have your girlfriend, and you're going to Spain for a month. I have my boyfriend, but he's in England and he treats me right. I haven't had that in a long time. I don't want to fuck anything up between me and him for you. But sometimes I wish it was you I had. I hate seeing you with your girlfriend. I get kind of.. jealous? I wish I could stop this feeling. I don't know what to do about it anymore..

i don't want this to end.

I watch everyone else in their relationships, happy as they can get. With everything they want and need. With pictures of them being happy. Comments of joking around and being in love. I want something that can be happy and that can last. I just want someone to love me and treat me the best they can. Someone who will give me everything I want, but I won't accept. Someone I can trust and to trust me. I want someone like you. Funny thing is, I have you and I fucked it up. Now I don't know where things are going.

I always do it.

I'm sick of messing my life up every time I get it to my type of perfect. I wish I could just go and hide under a rock somewhere and never come out. I don't know what I want any more. Except to go back home to New Zealand.

6 years later.

We used to be crazy about each other. 6 years later, we're still the same. But this time we're older. You're nineteen, I'm seventeen. You're my brothers best friend. You started texting me and talking to me on facebook more often. There was a bit of flirting going on. When I saw you for the first time in 6 years, I was nervous. I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I didn't want to look at you to make it obvious. Then you text me from across the table while we were all playing kings and drinking. You said I looked beautiful sitting opposite you. I was wearing my jeans, hoodie and i was a mess from traveling all day. The night continued, and we became more drunk. I went outside to get some fresh air, you came out and sat next to me on the swing chair. We were talking and laughing. Next minute, you went in for a kiss. It was the most romantic first kiss I had ever had. You looked at me and smiled, then walked back inside. I sat for a while thinking. I had a smile on my face. The next day you text me and then I asked you what that kiss meant. Your reply was that you will tell me tonight. So I waited for the night to come around. When we went out, I saw you. First thing I did was went up to you and asked you. You said it wasn't a drunken mistake. It was because you actually like me. You kissed my forehead and walked away. Later on I asked why you kept walking away after these kind of things. You said because you didn't want to fall for my smile and my eyes. This time, I walked away. I sat outside again on my own. But I made sure you didn't know I went. I thought to my self for so long. My heart was beating fast, my smile on my face was so big, I wanted to text you. I realized I like you too. I got confused of what to do. You're going to Spain for a month. You told me at the bar that when you come back you want to be with me. That would of been great. But now, you have a girlfriend. And I have a boyfriend. You're breaking up with your girlfriend for me, but I can't do that. I'm sorry. Maybe one day, it will work out for us. And maybe, just maybe, everyone will understand.