And it starts all over again.

After our secret had gotten out we weren't allowed to talk to each other anymore. Which is fair enough. But you have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you. Then one night I was lying in bed and I got a text. It was you. After that text we started texting all the time again. I went up to Clara, and as soon as I got there I walked into Buddy's room and all the lads were there. I looked around and said hi to everyone. Then I saw your face. I smiled and walked out. Me, Gemma and Buddy went to get drink. The night rolled on and we got drunk and had more fun. You kept staring at me all night, and making comments about me. I didn't know how to react. It was kind of awkward. Buddy was watching every step we took. I couldn't go near you. So I hardly spoke to you. You guys left at 4.30am. After you left you text me. "are you akwake?" after we got texting you told me I looked beautiful and you couldn't stop looking at me. I fell asleep texting you. The next day Lee, Christy and Pa came round. Buddy and Gemma went off, Lee got drunk and commerd, so I was sitting in the kitchen with the lads playing card games. Christy gave me his bracelet, and Pa was hugging me. Then I looked up and you walked in. Then I had to start drinking more to get my mind off you. Everyone turned up at the house during the night. It was just me, you, Sca and Lee left. You text me off Sca's phone. We planned to go into the room later when Bud and Gem was asleep. 6am, I decided to go to bed. I stayed awake texting you, then I heard a knock at my window. I looked out it and you were there. I opened it and you kissed me. I smiled and you kissed me again. 7am, I hear my door open, I see you standing there. So I sit up and you smile at me and say I look beautiful in bed. You joined me in bed, and we had sex. Then we just lay in bed, talking and hugging. You held my hand and kissed my forehead over a million times. You said sweet things to me, and made me laugh. We had sex again, and then you just lay there holding me in your arms. We didn't talk for a while. My head on your chest, listening to your heart beat. You were stroking my arm. It was amazing. Then you kissed my head and whispered "I like you." If only you saw the smile on my face as I whispered "I like you too." Everything you said that night goes through my head every day. It was magical.

My list.

Your eyes with your long eye lashes that every jokes about, your smile with your straight white teeth, your confidence, your voice when you whisper in my ear, our silence when we sit just looking, your hands when they hold mine, your body when I wrap my arms around you, your kisses on the forehead when I fall asleep on you, your heart beat when my head is on your chest, your feet when they play with mine, your arms when they hug me goodbye. All of you, and everything you do. I love it. I like you.

First time.

You told her everything. You told her you're going to miss me so much for the month you're away, you told her you're mad about me, you told her you really like me, you told her you want to be with me. And then she told me everything. But when she told me, she slipped something out by mistake, that you told her not to tell me. To be honest, even though you never said it yourself, my heart skipped a beat when she said it.

Everyone has their own opinion.

You asked me what I think of him. My answer to you was, "The honest truth of what I think of him? I think the world of him." But I'm too afraid to tell anyone else. You know more than anyone else. You know our feelings towards each other, our thoughts of each other. Thank you for being so calm about it.

I need help.

I actually don't know what to do anymore..

I've liked you for over 6 years, and I see you more than my own boyfriend. I think about your kisses and cuddles every day. We text every day, and when I don't get a text first, I want to text you. But I can't even think about being with you in the future, because you're my brothers best friend. And he already isn't happy about us kissing. But now you have your girlfriend, and you're going to Spain for a month. I have my boyfriend, but he's in England and he treats me right. I haven't had that in a long time. I don't want to fuck anything up between me and him for you. But sometimes I wish it was you I had. I hate seeing you with your girlfriend. I get kind of.. jealous? I wish I could stop this feeling. I don't know what to do about it anymore..

i don't want this to end.

I watch everyone else in their relationships, happy as they can get. With everything they want and need. With pictures of them being happy. Comments of joking around and being in love. I want something that can be happy and that can last. I just want someone to love me and treat me the best they can. Someone who will give me everything I want, but I won't accept. Someone I can trust and to trust me. I want someone like you. Funny thing is, I have you and I fucked it up. Now I don't know where things are going.

I always do it.

I'm sick of messing my life up every time I get it to my type of perfect. I wish I could just go and hide under a rock somewhere and never come out. I don't know what I want any more. Except to go back home to New Zealand.